My Definition of Hero

suicide3   suicide7

I was going to make note of the death by suicide of Robin Williams, but so much of what I might have to say has been said in my series of posts I recently wrote here, here and here.

I cannot know what the layer of complexity of celebrity does to one’s psyche as I’ve never experienced it, nor will I.  I just know as a normal nobody that the despair and sense of nothingness and desperation to make the pain end were palpable in my case, and the selfishness this desire engendered wasn’t pretty, or rational.

Suicide touches us all – at least in the first world countries.  Really, is there a person reading this who hasn’t known someone to commit the act?  In my own case, the first suicide I knew of was the mother of a school friend, and then I knew of several other kids over the years who had parents who killed themselves – talk about selfish!  Yep.  (But hey, I’m not judging as I was in that exact position years later.)

When I got older, luckily I never had a friend commit suicide (although that is a terrible phenomena for lots of teenagers), but I remember my mother had a colleague from work who did kill herself.  My mother’s reaction was much scarier to me than the shock of it – she said she understood it and could see doing it herself if things got too bad.  Well, she’d already tried when I was eight years old, for gods’ sake, so even though she did a half-assed job of it, she wasn’t repulsed by it.

My father’s reaction to suicide is exactly that – repugnance.  He’s had tough times, too – lost two wives to death (not by suicide, but illness), lost his job and family and house.  And he tells me that he never, not once, thought of harming himself.  I don’t think that makes him some sort of hero, but it is an interesting contrast between my parents and does speak to why they fundamentally have such different world views (and are long divorced.)

As these two’s daughter, I admit to swinging both ways.  Mostly, as a former mental health professional, I have a tremendous amount of compassion for the state of despair that underlies suicide.  But I’m not quite as sympathetic to the act itself because of the devastation left in its wake.

When one is in the pit, they are usually not thinking about that devastation.  About the wife or father or child who will find the body in that state, who will panic and try desperately to revive their loved one, or have a sense of their world shifting on its axis in one horrible moment of thudding reality as they see a head blown off, or smell piss and shit from a body hanging from a belt, having let go of its sphincters.  These are some of the realities that the person wanting to just end their emotional (or sometimes physical) pain doesn’t take into account usually.

And the ripple effect of this devastation – no person thinking of suicide can anticipate this.  One suicide in a family can make others so much more acceptable and then that much more likely to occur.  Kurt Cobain had a long family history of suicide.  Not uncommon.  Probably also a long family history of depression and/or substance abuse to self medicate, too.

I, too, come from a family history of both unipolar and bipolar depression.  I’ve certainly suffered from it and so have my son and mother – well, I’ve written a fair amount about her bipolar illness.

The one thing that makes my mother my hero is the following – unlike my father who has a strong, visceral repugnance to suicide and self-harm, my mother does not.  She views it as rational, acceptable, understandable – even a release in some cases.  But up to now she’s made a conscious decision to NOT do it.  I’m not saying she isn’t still flirting with idea; she certainly is, as witnessed by last year’s contact with the State of Oregon (a tragic/comedy of errors apparently as nobody she talked to even knew what the hell she was talking about!).  But flirting and doing are two different things.  And she’s been clear – she doesn’t want to kill herself because of the effect it will inevitably have on me and my son, her grandson.

She is less concerned about me at this point, but she’s very concerned about her grandson.  I can appreciate this, as he’s quite frankly, more volatile than I am.  For one thing, he’s younger – for another, as a man, his choice of method would most likely be more fatal than a woman’s (this is only going by statistics, but I’ve talked to him about it and what he’s mentioned is no doubt close to 100% fatal.)

So my mom, my crazy and crazy-making mother who will be 80 on August 29, doesn’t want to create a family legacy of suicide.  And for that, she is and always will be my hero.  She is doing something that is, for her, extremely hard, because every time she’s in the pit, she wants to die.  Every single time – even on medication.  But she’s learned over time that her pit is temporary and if she can just ride it out, she will feel better eventually.  When eventually is may not be predictable, but eventually will come.

So that’s my definition of hero.

I do feel sad that Robin Williams couldn’t hang on a bit longer.  I do understand both intellectually and on a gut level, the despair that drove him, but I don’t think I could ever say he’s a hero, because he has either perpetuated a family history (I don’t know his family background with mental illness/substance abuse/alcoholism/suicide) or perhaps even worse, now created a legacy of suicide which is not the thing any parent wants to pass on to their kids.  His pain is over – his family’s is only continuing.




ALSO Not a Tribal Love-Rock Musical

When Capt. Picard says it, You Pay Attention

When Capt. Picard says it, You Pay Attention

Of all the types of posts I might write, the hardest are the ones for the Friday slot which, hopefully, are lighter in nature.

I’m not a naturally “light” individual.  Besides being physically heavier than most (yep, fat), my personality is more serious than jolly.  It is one of the reasons why I had to import humor into my life in the person of my husband, the ‘Publican.  I learned about the women in my family doing this with their husbands (my two uncles had wicked senses of humor) and then it made perfect sense.

But sometimes something out there in the world just either tickles me, or annoys the holy living shit out of me.  This is actually both.

For a very long time, I’ve been yelling at the TV set – “My God, what a terrible hairpiece on that guy!” or “Really?  Not a color found in nature, buddy.”  The ‘Publican is used to my comments on men’s manes.

I’m all for looking your best at whatever age you just so happen to be.  I’m in favor of nips and tucks (and more tucks and nips) and weaves and make-up, and all that stuff.  But . . . seriously?

Here’s what I think they’re going for:

Mon cherie amor

And here’s what they actually manage:

Not as CUTE

Now tell me you’d sleep with the guy in the second picture over the cutie pie in the first picture?  Doomed to never be laid.

It can be useful to see some real bad men’s hair to  appreciate the magnitude of the problem:


Some politician with a hair helmet

bad-wigs-on-men 1

Yes, another hair helmet – with the dead giveaway of mono-color.  Real hair has many colors within it.

and one more fabulous example:

baddyejobs9    I’m just hoping Tom Hanks was in character, because if this is what he thinks looks good, god help us all.  It looks like he just got some shoe polish out and painted his head – and a mustache for good measure.

Let’s get real here.  We ALL age, if we’re lucky.  And there is nothing wrong with losing your hair or having it go gray or white.

A few more examples:

So sad - yes, this is Robert Redford       baddyejobs3   James_Lankford,_Official_Portrait,_112th_Congress

Howard Dean of rebel yell fame      baddyejobs4

Frightening, isn’t it?  Poor Robert Redford and Paul McCartney.  I don’t give a fig about Howard Dean, the anonymous congressman or private citizen – but here’s a clue:  If you’re going to color the hair, go for subtle, do a weave which is close to your natural color; nothing too dark or too red, okay?  And not this:

baddyejobs5    You know his girlfriend said she liked this; you know his wife is laughing at him (“What a damn fool!”) behind his back.

Honestly, this should be outlawed.

What possesses a man like Lou Dobbs (now of Fox Business channel) to go from the first picture to the second?

lou-dobbs-gray-hair        baddyejobs8  Now in Dobbs’ defense, his blonde locks aren’t as bad as going from his original white to something stark like a few of the example above, but he looked fine with white hair.  He’s not a young guy, and that is fine.  Isn’t it?

badwigs3  I think this is Elton John.  I could be wrong.

And here are a few more example of extremely bad hair and bad judgment:

311phdu  baddyejobs1  badwigs11

Robin Williams’ main sin is a very bad dye job, but Frank Luntz, the guy in the last picture, has one of the worst pieces ever, even worse than the guy in the first picture (if that’s possible – it is.)

I can continue to show you the evidence, but you get the picture.  Men are damn fools when they do this.  The reason why this is so awful, actually, has a lot to do with who these guys are – I found all these images on google and they don’t just put ordinary folks on there, so these are all either politicians or celebrities or people who signed releases.

In other words, they probably have the dough to get good hair either by getting a transplant (looking at you, “Plugs” Biden), a good dye job (see my comments above – get a weave fellas), or really well made hair pieces (Ben Affleck – love that piece! Really, guy, it’s fab.)

Here’s a truth – women prefer guys who look their age for the most part.  What’s a sexy guy?  Not some hair helmeted half wit.  What’s sexy is self confidence.  What’s sexy is health.  What’s sexy is not giving a flying fig what others think about you.  Yes, that’s part of self confidence.  Being happy in your life is also tremendously sexy.  And intelligence – intelligence is always sexy!

None of these have a thing to do with hair, or the lack of it.

So – here’s a couple of photos to prove my point.  The first and second are also of the same guy (if you’re younger, you won’t figure this out . . . hang on):

baddyejobs10    goodjobtomjones

Got it?  Yes, it’s Welsh crooner Tom Jones who decided, wisely, to go from dyed to natural – and he looks fiiiine.  Okay, for those who don’t know who Tom Jones is or was in heyday, I give you Tom Jones with his gal pal Tina Turner: